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I am an idiot

2002-06-12

Started the day with a hideous and horrible mistake. Made a really stupid mistake. And gave it to the director of the company. I think I'm going to start a new hobby, kicking myself . . . hard. I have no excuse for it. If I'd looked at the report I would have seen it. But I was in a hurry. He wanted the information now. I always get myself into trouble when they say that.

My computer locked up about twenty times during the day. When you load over fifty thousand records, things like that will happen. Had to restart more times than I even want to think about.

I wanted to go home sick this morning before there was even anyone else in the building. Go home, don't answer the cell, pretend that I don't exist.

But I gritted my teeth and stayed. And to give my boss credit, he didn't torture me with it. I'd already worried myself for hours before he even go to work. I was waiting for him to tell me what an idiot I was and compound my misery. He didn't. When he came in, I told him I'd already seen the corrections he'd been given. (He'd been given my errors as though they were his. I'd rather have hot needles poked in me than have someone else pay for my errors.) Idiot! Idiot!! Idiot!!!

I'd rather be good at the simplest task than suck at something other people rely on.

The average number of reports that I run per day is between thirty or forty. I can get thirty nine of them right, but the fortieth will be the one that haunts me. I know my boss wants to tell me what an idiot I am (like I'm not telling myself, more emphatically already). At least this time he didn't. Believe me, I'll kick myself better and more often than he can. All he can do is make it hurt worse. I thank him for not doing it this time.

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